(Text and Audio)
Title: Confrontation Protocol, Part One
I LOVE practical theology. I consider myself a teacher of practical theology. Anyone know why I love it so much?
“Confrontation Protocol”
Confrontation: A hostile or argumentative meeting or situation between opposing parties.
Protocol: The official procedure or system of rules governing affairs of state or diplomatic occasions.
ConfrontationProtocol: How we are told by God to deal with confrontations involving other believers.
As a Pastor, I’d like to believe that the Lord can use me to make a difference in people’s lives. My prayer this morning is simple: I want every single person in this room today to leave here today knowing the Biblical protocol for dealing with a confrontation involving another believer.
I want you to know what you allowed to do scripturally, and what you are not allowed to do.
I want there to be absolute clarity.
Why? Why am I so adamant about this? Well, my wife can attest to this: because we talk about it all the time at home, but I think this passage is the most ignored passage by believers in the entire New Testament.
And that makes me furious.
It’s not a difficult teaching, it’s not hard to understand…we just don’t deal with conflict, as we are instructed to in Matthew 18, very often, and there is no excuse for that.
Over the past 15 years of ministry I’ve worn some different hats in my career, often simultaneously. One of the difficulties tricks to master is when to wear which hat.
For example: I have a certain spiritual obligation and responsibility to both the students that I teach at VCCA and their parents. But I am NOT their pastor. So when I deduce that I have a student or family, or co-worker at the christian high school that is coming up short in this area of Biblically dealing with conflict, it puts me in a tough position. I can explain to them what I feel is the correct Biblical method, but I am rather limited in my ability to hold them accountable because I am not their pastor.
But with all of you gathered here today I can, I must give you no less than perfectly clear instruction as to what your responsibility is when handling conflict with another believer. For that reason, I beg you, if you have ANY questions that need to be clarified, ANY hypothetical or historical situations and you aren’t sure if they were handled correctly, DO NOT leave here this morning without bringing them up to me, either publicly or privately. I will stay here today as long as it takes to answer all of your questions fully.
We will be a church that obeys this teaching.
Let’s begin.
(read/pray)
STEP ONE:
SCRIPTURE: “brother or sister”
This is instruction on how the Church is to handle matters within the Church. As we discussed earlier, the “Church” can be a bit tricky to define, but I would make this simple observation:
RULE: If both parties consider themselves Christian, these rules not only MUST be followed, but these rules supersede ALL other rules, including those set up by your employer. If the offended party is NOT a believer, YOU still must make every effort to follow this protocol to the best of your ability, but some of these steps will not be applicable.
REASONS:
Primary: If you are a Christian, before you answer to ANY other entity, you answer to God.
Secondary: We ought not behave like the world. We have a different (superior) standard for living, because it comes from the Most High.
John 15:9 If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.
Romans 2:12 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Practical: There SHOULD be a trust/permission between believers to confront one another MORE EASILY than a secular situation. Why?
Potential Objections: (Finally, I get to ask YOU questions!)
“I’m not sure if they are a believer.”
“I don’t think we share the same theology/view on scripture/philosophy, etc.”
Others?
STEP TWO:
Scripture: “between you and him alone”
I can’t stress this enough. This is where so many Christians make their fist mistake. They will go to another believer to “get clarification” about a conflict they had with another Christian, to seek advice, and to pick their brain on how to handle it.
RULE: YOU DON”T NEED TO PICK ANYONE ELSE’S BRAIN. (yet) YOU NEED TO TALK TO THE OTHER PARTY.
(What I do when someone comes to me, regardless of the environment: Before they can tell me anything, I stop them and ask if they have attempted to talk to the person directly. If they haven’t, I turn them away until they have.)
THIS is where we have allowed passive aggressive behavior to take root, and it sickens me.)
REASONS:
Primary: This GREATLY reduces the chance of gossip.
James 4:11 Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother, or judges his brother, speaks against the law, and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law, but a judge of it.
Secondary: The Lord wants BOTH parties to experience a restoration that can ONLY come through the ministry of the Holy Spirit.
Acts 3:19 Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord
Practical: This forces BOTH parties to be accountable to God.
For the offended, they cannot be passive aggressive, or hide from conflict, they MUST go to the person and seek resolution.
For the offender, they must receive this person in a spirit of humility, considering the other parties feelings, and seeking God’s will in prayer.
Potential Objections:
“What if I could lose my job for not following the chain of command?”
“What If I feel physically threatened or scared?”
“What if it’s extremely difficult to talk to them alone?”
“What if it’s been a long time and I need some support so that these memories are not dredged back up and I become unstable?”
“What if there is more than one party (a group) that offended me? They outnumber me and will argue me down if I don’t have someone on my side.”
“What about my spouse? Certainly I can tell my spouse!”
Others?
Close:
Take a breath, we’ll come back to this next week.